João (1970) - To overcome shame is a challenge for me

João is dedicated to educating the public and leading self-help groups in São Paulo, Brazil. Even after fifty years of life, it is difficult for him to get rid of his shame, yet he performs on the stage a theater play for one actor. In it, he combines the life of Lawrence of Arabia with his own destiny in one character. It is important for him not to hurt anyone, as you can read in the following story.

Some thoughts about my life

i. The way to maturity – suffering, women and shame

I spent a different life. And a good question is: to what extent I was aware of this, during my life time? Both things happened: I felt like my home was totally different, and also that the weird things that came about  were not so weird.

In my adolescence it was common that someone from highschool gave a party in their houses. Not only I was too shy to give a party in my house, I was shy to attend to one of  their parties also.

I had no girlfriend, or any kind of life experience, or so I thought. The fact is shame was my companion all my life. Even today it is not easy to explain  to people who I am.

At the onset of my ponderings about life, I thought life experience might be related to suffering. It was because I never really suffered that I felt being less than the others. Then one night my mother drank a whole bottle of vodka and attacked my father with punches and names for a long time. At first, as I was in my bedroom, I thought there was some trouble in the street. But then I noticed not, the yelling was coming from  my own house , it was my mother with  a different voice.

This was traumatic. The next day, on a bus, coming back from school, I remember I felt like I was now like everyone. I had  suffered also. It is interesting, that something weird, like my mother acting like a mad person, brought me a feeling of belonging! But that didn't last. I went back to that feeling I did not belong.

I tried to understand myself. Why did I want to hide? And I thought, oh, that might be because of  a jewish ancestry. My ancestors were Jews perhaps. And they had to keep hidden, because of the inquisition. So, I inherited that, in the form of an emotion. I could never give a party in my house because someone could notice something jewish there, and warn the church. Then I elaborated a plan. Some of my colleagues had gone to a ladies house. The reader knows what I am talking about. I learned the address.

And I made same savings, from the money I received at home for the snacks at school. And I went there. I used no protection, and could not reach an orgasm. But I went out of there like a king. Now I had the utmost experience! Never more a child, now I was a man, a full adult! Back at home, I sat at the sofa and opened the newspaper, and started reading, just like my father used to do. But at this point the reader knows how this continues. It didn't last! Obviously not! Then I wrote to a soviet magazine offering myself to work for them. And the ghost of a CIA agent intercepting the letter started hounding me. And then came the final enterprise. That part of the story when the suspense and the emotions and everything come together, as in the great novels. I decided I needed a girlfriend. That would solve it all.

ii. It has never been the love with happy end

I remembered a scene of a movie, and tried to do equal. I approached the girl and said: I am completely enamored of you! The scene was in a war hospital during the Korean war, a bit different context than highschool, but I was doing my best. She blushed. And that was all I ever had from her.

I hope inside grew that she would reconsider, and that evolved into true infatuation. I thought she had kept that as a secret, that nobody knew what I had done. But the truth is even the lady who swept the floor knew about.

Much later a friend of mine explained me something. The girl´s parents had been imprisoned and tortured during the military dictatorship. Upon that, I finally did something manly. I forgot the girl. I did not want to be yet another problem in that couple´s life.

It is a long time from all this. I am fifty two now. Still an easy blushing one. But I have some ideals. I try not to do the bad. I try to avoid all possible violence. And in my opinion, that´s the source of adulthood.

iii. Non-violence as a sense of life

Being a man of peace. Of course someone will always say, oh, but you have delusions. And naming them in public will make me blush again. But I think I can survive. I think God is on my side.

I have a nephew. Very young, seven years old. I am not in touch with him anymore. But for some time we helped each other. He said he felt shy at school. And I felt an immediate empathy to him. We started playing together. And I could help him feel better,not only at school, in a general way. And he doesn't know, but he also helped me, in all ways.

Some changes happened in my life from some time to now. I started giving talks, about thirty,of which I am proud of. I was always a shy person, and to face audiences was something of a victory. And then I took another step: I developed my talks into a theater play. The connection with the audience was greater, culminating in the applause at the end. This was a great experience, one that I wish to repeat. However,as I said above what moves me, is neither sex nor art. It is a wish for peace only. Inward and worldwide. What distances me from psychoanalysis.

I don't identify also with  some religious people who dedicate themselves to charity. I think different. I just try to avoid violence. All the possible. Something more akin to Indian philosophy. I wrote a book, not yet available in English, called “ The memoirs of a stoic “ . The title goes because of my taste to logic. Not because I consider myself especially resilient. I am now very happy to contribute to this project also. I hope the reader found here something useful or meaningful.

Projekt s názvem Studio 27 představuje pacientské hnutí peerů s kampaní #PEERpomaha, je financován z fondů EHP 2014-2021, program Zdraví. Obsahem projektu je pořádání a natáčení besed s peery v oblasti duševního zdraví, natáčení rozhovorů a psaní článků. Odkazy na všechny hotové výstupy projektu najdete na: https://www.studio27.cz/PEERpomaha/aktivity/